Does Requiring Disclosure Imply I am Controlling?

Morning pal,

Whew, we simply completed our reside/digital CONQUER convention in Scottsdale and it was wonderful. The Holy Spirit was current and the ladies grew in Resilience. I’m so honored to steer this excellent group of girls. Thanks to your prayers for the occasion. They’re deeply appreciated.

Query: Is it abusive for me to require my husband to share his data with me? I really feel like he’ll spin this request round on me and make me appear to be the controlling abuser if I add this to my confrontation letter, however with out this bullet level, I’m fully at his mercy for all monetary planning and my monetary future.

Reply: I want I knew extra particulars about your marriage historical past and the belief that appears to be damaged. Since that is all you’ve written, I might not be as nuanced as you may want.

Let’s break this down. The primary a part of your query is: Is it abusive to require your husband to share his data with you? I assume that is monetary data due to your final assertion being at his mercy if he chooses to not share with you. 

Listed below are some preliminary ideas that I’d such as you to ponder: If you’re at a spot the place you have to require somebody in a relationship (marriage or in any other case) to do one thing so that you can really feel protected, what does that inform you? Give your self a second to ponder this query. It reveals vital data that I feel is essential so that you can discover.  

I might learn his resistance to sharing his data like this: He doesn’t wish to offer you his data. Why? Is he afraid? Ashamed of what you’ll uncover? Or it merely is perhaps as a result of he doesn’t wish to construct or rebuild that form of belief and/or security with you. It may very well be all or any these issues however they’re vital to note. And if it’s true, he doesn’t wish to disclose (for no matter purpose), what does that imply for you? For the way forward for your marriage? 

Can you’re feeling protected with somebody who you require to be sincere, trustworthy, or loving? Does requiring this guarantee he’s sincere, trustworthy, or loving with you? Or does it simply make it more difficult for him to cover what he needs to cover? 

Subsequent, let’s transfer on to your worry of him accusing you of being controlling and/or abusive. When somebody calls for, requires, or enforces an grownup to do one thing that they don’t wish to do, that’s not a loving relationship. It’s unhealthy and/or poisonous. If you require him to do one thing or be one thing he has no coronary heart to do or be, he’s proper. You’re attempting to regulate him by mandating he do one thing for you that you just consider gives you a way of security and peace. 

I perceive. You do want security and peace. Nonetheless, once you make another person accountable for your well-being, security, and peace, you could have given your energy away. That’s why you’re feeling scared and weak.

As a substitute of requiring him to do one thing, ask your self what it’s essential to do to really feel much less weak financially and never fully at his mercy. Perhaps it’s essential to examine your credit standing to see the place you might be at financially. Or evaluation your revenue tax statements. Separate your funds. Perhaps it’s getting extra training, coaching, or a greater job so that you just’re not depending on his revenue if he continues to be deceitful. Perhaps it’s hiring a lawyer to seek out out what you might be legally entitled to in case your marriage doesn’t make it. Finally in the event you don’t wish to be fully at another person’s mercy, you have to change your self not him. Requiring him to do one thing that he has no coronary heart to do might offer you a false sense of security and safety for a season, however that doesn’t imply you aren’t nonetheless at his mercy.

If you find yourself not depending on him (or somebody) to be what you want him to be, then you might be free to see who he actually is. When your eyes are open and also you see clearly, you might be rather more outfitted to determine in the event you can belief him or not.

Wholesome relationships usually are not held collectively by requiring somebody to do or be one thing for you. They’re held collectively by shared values that every embodies with out strain or necessities from the opposite. 

Pal, how have you ever stopped relying on another person to create or guarantee your sense of security or safety and begun to steward your individual?